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September 30, 2004
Special Note
Note to self...get gas in the morning..or be prepared to walk to Barnstable.
Posted by Jesse at 11:11 PM | Comments (0)
Transfer Drama
I knew there would be a problem..I just knew it. My transfer credit allocation is all messed up. I received my letter from UMASS today, explaining which classes I have taken at CCCC can be applied to my graduation requirements for my BA. They have completely ignored the fact that I am currently enrolled in HIS 150, Vietnam: America's Longest War. If I sit through the most depressing class offered at CCCC for no reason, I am going to be royally pissed. Also, they have accepted my Race, Class, and Gender class contingent upon my completion with a C- or better. This is all fine and dandy, but the paper says it transfers in as an elective. I don't need an elective, I need a social sciences requirement. I think I can argue my way out of all of this, but I need someone to pick up the phone first. I left a message...a pleasant message...because its always nice to start off pleasant. Every single time I have attempted to attend college, people behind the scenes screw with my credits. Most of my basic classes went thru fine, and I have 28 free electives which means nothing except that I took a class at CCCC that is equivilent to one at UMASS not applicable to a class necessary for my graduation. So..do you get my drift? The basis for my frustration stems from the fact that I spent many hours on the phone with UMASS this summer..specifically making sure that the classes I am enrolled in this semester would transfer. Now I am in too far to get my money back, and a withdrawal would put a big W on my transcript. Ugh...I am so sick of working hard at something that is starting to feel like a giant waste of time and money. Maybe my father is right..maybe I should just marry a rich man.
Posted by Jesse at 01:57 PM | Comments (2)
September 29, 2004
Death Trap
I am home..thank god. I have to admit, I had many morbid thoughts on my way to school this morning. I pretty much swam, although many would argue that I drove. My car spent more time out of control, than it did in control. Suicide alley is such a death trap, because it is so poorly drained. It took me over an hour to get to school, and when I got there it took me about half an hour to calm my nerves from my multiple near death experiences. Nice walk up to the science building left me soaked and miserable. Trip to Tatano's office, and then it was off to court with Rebecca. I was so glad to see her, it has been a while. It was nice to find out that simple PMS is all that has been keeping her from communicating with the rest of the world. I understand, for I fear this is the reason that I have been binge eating carbohydrates over the past few days. The other night, I actually felt shakey because I had consumed so many carbs. Rebecca thinks I am "nutrient deprived". Go figure. Although I hadn't planned on mentioning it, we discussed how Drew and I had been communicating much more frequently lately. She seemed generally happy, and had many words of wisdom for me. Surprisingly they were all positive. I can even quote one, "the right things always come at the wrong time". She had many great things to say about Drew, and I am glad she is so supportive. Things are also looking up in my future housing situation. Rebecca is going to talk to her parents about me renting out her brothers room when he goes off to school. The thought of not having to live in a dorm, and deal with drunken asses makes me more happy then you know. To have this problem solved, will make the rest of the semester much easier on me. I like to know where I am going, and when I am going there. For now, I am cold and damp. I think I am going to shut down on IM for a few days. If you know my #, give me a call. If you don't, I apoloigize for my lack of conversation. The next few days are going to be very hectic, and I will undoubtedly have my head in the books.
Jesse witicism of the day: " I am soggy, like a wet cookie"
Posted by Jesse at 02:16 PM | Comments (3)
September 27, 2004
Fuckin Bastard Biologists
Almost 8:30, I am in the computer lab, and already want to go home. I came to school early today to speak with Prof. Tatano about the scribble I call my notes. He speaks so quickly in class, that half the time when I get home I can't make sense of what I have written. He told me there would be no quiz in class today, but we shall see. He has a way of throwing curve balls at us. On the upside, I appear to know my bones. Oh, and I had a really hard time getting out of bed this morning. It was dark, I was warm, and the snooze button was overworked. Still managed to get myself together in time tho. And I still shaved..unlike some other sleepy campers I know. I even smell fresh...I better..it is Monday after all. Tonight I am going to go home and cook some foodage, plant my butt on the couch in the house, and watch 7th Heaven. That should keep me busy until 9 or so. Work in the morning...only a few more weeks left. I hope you all have a smashing day. Rebecca...will you be holding court on wednesday? We must grab some java and chat about life's sagas ASAP!
Posted by Jesse at 08:34 AM | Comments (0)
September 25, 2004
Rise And Shine!
Rise and Shine people...its Saturday! I am much more chipper today, after sleeping for 10 hours straight. I think part of the reason I have been a mess is sleep deprivation. Its a vicious cycle really, I get stressed, dont sleep, get more stressed. With the exception of my throat and head, I am doing alot better. I held down two soy protein bars last night. We will see what today brings. I just wrote a 5 page paper in an hour, and I think it is pretty good. I am going to write two more tonight at work. I work 4-9 tonight, which should be relatively busy since its saturday. I think I am going to go out for a while and stretch my legs. Don't know what is up with Rebecca...she is all shut down on IM. I can totally understand why she would want to be alone on the weekends...her plate is so full its overflowing. I hope I get to catch up with her this wednesday.
Posted by Jesse at 12:05 PM | Comments (0)
September 24, 2004
Tribute to Rebecca
Rebecca's blog entry from yesterday was perfect. I am being pulled in so many directions...including towards the toilet...I don't know what to do with myself. Though I think the "safe" comment was ahead of my game, I guess she is realistic. I am a relatively rational person, I don't make rash decisions when it comes to sex. And this really isn't about sex at all, it is about matters of the heart. Its also about fear. That is what frustrates me. I cannot go through life avoiding things because I fear them. I wouldn't go to school, talk to people, or go to work on a daily basis if this were so. Also, if I never pursue my feelings, I may miss out on some amazing things. I don't ever want to be at the point in my life where I say "What if?". I have missed out on so much having been through pretty much 7 years of crisis. I am starting to feel like certain people are brought into my life because they bring me lessons, or compliment my life in a way that makes me a better person. Rebecca has taught me so much, I can't even explain. Though Ben was a walking disaster, I am who I am today because of the hell I went through and the learning experiences he subjected me to. So, if I resist someone, that is supposed to be something important in my life, am I resisting my own growth? People say what is meant to be will be, and I find myself using all of my energy to resist what is meant to be. Rebecca made a great point about how this is the time in my life when socialization will be the easiest. Funny too, because socialization is the hardest thing in the world for me right now. I find myself trying to play catch up for so many years, and for getting so sick. I feel like, if I don't take advantage of my opportunities now, I wont mature~ Rebecca's full personality theory. I agree with the growing apart scenerio if I were to get hitched now...I am sure that another few years of school, if simply the education aspect were considered, are going to expand me in ways I cannot foresee. I am a completely different person than I was when I entered college, or I should hope so. Marriage is what I want in life, but it isn't part of my reality right now. Things are so fragile, I am afraid everything will crumble around me if I even let a man in emotionally. So....get my drift? I am completely conflicted. I don't want to be in a relationship simply based on physical attraction, because I am an emotional person that needs to feel cared about. I can't get into a heavy emotional committment, because I simply don't have the strength right now. I want to be married down the road, but how am I going to get there with this battle going on in my head?
On the school update, I made it, and there was no quiz. That right there, explains my devotion to school. I hate even stepping foot in school bathrooms, and I avoid it at all costs, but when a person is sick they have no choice. I guess it has been a down day for me. I need to shake it off. My mind says I should go for a run, but I know I would just collapse from utter exhaustion. I have a feeling when I fall asleep tonight...it will be for many hours. If anyone has advice for what I am experiencing, please forward it along. I have received so much good advice lately. My sister called earlier, and was so understanding. Though we are polar opposites, and butt heads on everything, we are both products of our childhood. She understands when I am hurting, because she struggles with the same stuff. Our conversation today was simply amazing, it finally felt like we connected on some level. She made me feel good about what I am feeling, because when it comes down to it, it is a gift to get to feel these kind of emotions. Good dammit...why cant I be normal and act on them?
Posted by Jesse at 06:44 PM | Comments (0)
Very Sick
It is 4:48 in the morning and I haven't gone to sleep yet. I have been throwing up since about 1:30. I have pretty much been on the bathroom floor since then. At about 3 tears were rolling down my face because I was so exhausted. I have pulled every muscle in my stomach region from the dry heaves. I also have the cold sweats and can't stop shivering. I absolutely have to go to school today, because my bio quizzes are unannounced. Plus I can't miss any classroom material. I have no idea how I am going to make it there...stay 5 hours...and drive home. Today is also my sisters bday but I dont think I am going to make it to that. My ears have been bothering me for a few days, so I hope this isnt an ear infection gone wild. Dan came last night and we studied...and that was it. Rebecca can breathe a huge sigh of relief. Luckily I wasn't sick at that point. These things always seem to hit me in the middle of the night, I guess thats when disease sets in. Drew, I hope you have a good time tonight. Just remember...its ok to cry. I am sure I will shed a tear today for one reason or another. I really cant afford to tho, considering there is not an ounce of hydration left in my body. I think I will go weigh myself to see if this disease has helped to slender my figure. I will blog later with a vomit update.
Posted by Jesse at 04:55 AM | Comments (0)
September 23, 2004
True By Ryan Cabrera
You dont know what you do
Everytime you walk into the room
Im afarid to move
Im weak
Its true
Im just scared to know the ending
Do you see me too?
Do you even know u met me?
Ive waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So i will not hide
Its time to try anything to be with you
All my life ive waited
This is true
This song is sweet...and since I am in a sappy mood lately...it seemed appropriate. You should check the song out!
Posted by Jesse at 09:43 AM | Comments (1)
MoHell
Its another sunny day at Sea Gull Mohell...otherwise known as Sea Gull Motel. I arrived at work at 7:45, made some coffee for the blood sucking tourists, and now I am planted in front of the computer. I only have 3 checkouts, and only one of them owes money. Relatively easy morning ahead of me...but I better not jinx myself. Who knows, someone may want their toilet plunged! HAHAHA. Nothing better than holdin down the fort by myself when something like that happens. This time of year is sweet, in that I really don't have to try to sell the customer on anything. People are more easy going and do their own thing...thank god. A customer even pulled my stepmother aside a week ago to tell her how impressed she was with my sales skills. Go figure. I am not a leasing agent, but sometimes I feel like one. So here I sit, worrying about biology, and the other three classes I am enrolled in that I tend to forget to talk about. Vietnam, Child Psych, and Race Class and Gender in the US. I am starting to sound like a liberal arts student...dont worry people...I will gain direction some day! I just wish the degree I received in 2002 would be considered worth something . If it was, I wouldn't be working at Sea Gull Mohell!
Posted by Jesse at 08:40 AM | Comments (0)
September 22, 2004
Better
I am feeling at little better today. Long talk with Drew last night calmed my nerves a little. Rebecca also gave me a stern talking to this morning. I am worried about Cookie. Afraid she is overdoing it this semester. Cookie..if you are listening...I am worried! Oh...and Ben contacted me yesterday...found out that I was seeing new people..and got all upset. Then contacted me at midnight to tell me he was drunk and high. Just what I needed at that hour. Something tells me I am wayyyyy better off out of that situation. Its 9 AM..and I am in the computer lab. I have a little while before class...so i am going to do some studying..and breathe some fresh air. I hope you all have a good day...and smile:)
Posted by Jesse at 09:06 AM | Comments (0)
September 21, 2004
WTF's?
And life gets progressively more strange. This entry shall be compiled of "What the Fucks", otherwise known by the acronym WTF. WTF is refering to things that blow my mind.
WTF#1
I am invited to Watertown to visit Joe. WTF! Yeah, I know...its time to let this one go. Feelings aren't being reciprocated, and relationships cannot solely be based on physical attraction. Remember that for later in the entry. Though this guy is gorgeous, successful, and smart....he will not be ready to settle down until he is 70...if that. Time to cut my losses...I dont think I am going to Boston anytime soon. WTF
WTF #2
I need to discuss with Rebecca ethics regarding lab partners...and I need to do it quickly. Needless to say...there is..um...."energy" between us that may be headed for trouble. Things are escalating...which should be great..but I dont know how I feel about it being with someone I have to study and work with all semester. UGH...WTF!
WTF #3
Oh yeah...and I am getting married...in 5 years. Drew and I have decided to tie the knot. We seem to agree on many things including baby names. You guys are invited to the wedding...which is probably when we will meet for the first time. Don't worry...we worked all of the important details out during a marathon IM session the other night. Taylor and Matthew..the two children we will have, God willing, will have quite the story to be told to them. WTF
So see my problem..I feel like I need a time out....or even better...someone needs to call a flag on the play...for having too many men on the field. Drew commented the other night that I should play the field for a few years....well #1 and #2 are stressing me out...so I think I just need to move on to marriage...
If nothing else...hopefully this message will be read by Rebecca...and she will meet me in the Caf tomorrow for a chat. I need some words of wisdom from someone that has some.
Posted by Jesse at 01:38 PM | Comments (2)
September 16, 2004
Fried Dough!
Its a beautiful day!....sense my sarcasm? Its grey...damp...humid...good for growing mold and mildew. I didn't have to work today...but since no one called me to tell me that...here I am. I didn't sleep a wink last night...I am averaging every other night now. I think I am consuming too much caffiene during the day. That must be my problem. I am also excited and nervous about school..and all of my impending assignments. I have a boatload of school work to do today...and all I will probably want to do is sleep. Big surpise?...I think not. I am also kind of freaking out about my housing for the spring semester at UMASS. Reality is that they are so over crowded now that people will probably be sleeping out in the snow come January. I am determined to go and experience a new place...and new professors. I just want to get my bachelors...I can't worry about graduate school right now. One step at a time..and the first step is finding a place to live...SIGH. Anyways...my dad is trying to make me feel better by getting me fried dough from the Portuguese Bakery in town. I haven't had any in about 5 years....so I wont be eating for the next week. Dont ask me if I want to go out to eat...dont even offer me gum. I am about to commit the biggest caloric crime possible!
Posted by Jesse at 08:43 AM | Comments (1)
September 14, 2004
Snowflake Pics
Requests for Snowflake pics have been denied. First of all, I didn't name the rat Snowflake...Dan did. I don't think that it would be ethical to photograph the rat that sacrificed its life for my education...especially when I have butchered it so pathetically. Also, it appears that the murder of this rat might have been a favor...ours appears to have a growth of some kind...like a tumor or something...on its chest. Ours would have something extra. We didn't get the rat with the babies..and we didn't get the rat with the impressive penis. We got the rat with the terminal illness. I think it will be a few weeks before I have anymore rat news. Next weeks lab schedule is something non-rat related. Stay tuned!
Posted by Jesse at 06:24 PM | Comments (0)
September 13, 2004
Must Blog
I must blog...because I have the feeling Rebecca will have my head soon if I dont. Today was a not so exciting day. I had Bio...with Dan. Dan is a guy I met on the first day of school. I just walked up to him..introduced myself...and asked if I could sit next to him. Totally out of my nature...but he ended up being cute...so I was happy. Now I am completely frustrated...because I live on a very small Cod. Turns out he has been working for my moms recently X-fiance for the past 4 years. Though he is no longer employed by the man...I would like it if I could meet just one cute guy on this cod....that does not already know that my family is nuts. Should I just put a blinking light on my head that says RUN NOW? Anyways...we had lab too...and we started dissecting the rat. Scrumptious. I made a point to be the first one to cut..because I was terrified and wanted to work on my fears. I did a decent job...but took way too long on my part...and we ended up being the last group out of there. Wonderful. Hope Dan doesnt hate me now. He seems like a good spirited gentleman. We shall see as the semester progresses. At this point...any guy that would agree to be my lab partner is a saint. Stay tuned for the adventures of Snowflake the Rat!
Posted by Jesse at 07:13 PM | Comments (1)
September 09, 2004
Lack of Blogs
Rebecca asked me why I had not blogged in so long last night. The truth is...when I am having a hard time with things...I dont want to write because that means I have to deal with my feelings.
You know that feeling one gets when they really start caring about a person. When you see them...your heart beats quickly...and you get butterflies. Actually...it can be kind of uncomfortable...but the feeling is so rare that you have to enjoy it. Well I finally had that feeling this summer. I resisted it for as long as I could, because I knew nothing of true substance could come from my feelings. I guess we all cannot help the way we feel. We can suppress them, but they are always there. So now I am stuck....with feelings I can do nothing with. As usual...I am hoping to take them an invest them in something important...like my education. Basically, I think I am just having a hard time because I am going through alot of adjustments...many that are very difficult for me...almost like torture...that I cant quite explain. Every day that I get through makes me feel like I am one step in the right direction.
On the school front...I dropped ENV 101-48 otherwise known as Introduction to Environmental Technologies. I had no interest...and it seemed like a waste of my money. I am already taking one natural science and one behavioral science....enough is enough. Bio seems like it will be tough...but fine...I will get over it. Lab includes many dissections...but I met a nice guy...who will probably help me with that. Parking is stressful as usual, but because I dont drive a truck with tires as big as me...I am not asked to off road for a parking spot. I do, however, like the red lines the Maintenance Dept. has spray painted on the grass for organization purposes. Very feng shui...very CCCC.
On the weather front...I agree with Dougie Fresh that this weather sucks. I too got no sleep for the first day of school...due to the unbelievable humidity. This is the worst weather for sleeping. Also, I think I saw this Dougie guy in the science building yesterday. It was strange to me...because I read his blog...but really have no idea who he is. Almost like it is a violation of his privacy. Oh well...I dont think I really look like the pic in my blog...so I doubt anyone will recognize me.
On the work front...THANK GOD FOR LABOR DAY! The crowd is all old people now. Traffic is surprisingly simple, and I can take a left out of my road. This in itself has made my life much less stressful. Thank you New York, for taking all of those bastards back.
It is a grey day, I have a pile of homework to do, and the AC is on. Call me...I will need someone to chat with!
Posted by Jesse at 08:39 AM | Comments (1)
September 03, 2004
Over the Hill
Today I am 22 years old. This is the first time I have had a birthday and really felt it. I dont mean physically, I mean mentally. For the first time in my life, I feel like I can no longer be classified as a kid by anyone. I have thought of myself as an adult for many years, but to the elders in my life....I was still "just a kid". My mom was 22 when she had me. It blows my mind sometimes. Though I think I could handle it if I had to, I cant imagine having something in my life right now that required my undivided attention 24 hours a day. Though I am a little discouraged with myself that I am behind schedule with my education, I am reminded that taking a little extra time with my studies allows me more time to avoid adult responsibilties such as a full time job...and the thought of marriage and children.
On a positive bday note...i have been eating lots of cake. I had two slices last night...and when I got to work this morning...there was a mini cake with a single candle burning. HOW CUTE! I also received pink roses from my mom, and a cute bouquet from my stepmom. I also scored a white gold cross with diamonds and sapphires. I am hoping that having this religious symbol around my neck will encouage me to reflect before making future decisions. Most likely not...but at the big 22 I feel like I should start trying to find some sort of faith. My mini cake is sitting here looking at me...but I dont want to eat it on my own. I feel like a fat tub of lard already. Hopefully someone will come along and eat it with me. Nutrition facts say 10 grams of fat per serving. Thats harsh. If it were my choice I would just eat all of the frosting off of the cake. Oh well...I hope all of you readers have a pleasant day. Come and chat on yahoo or aim....I will surely have a sugar high!
Posted by Jesse at 08:52 AM | Comments (1)
September 02, 2004
Good Morning What?
I am at work only in the physical sense...because I am operating on 3 hours of sleep. It was Joe's last night in his house last night, so I went up for a visit and we watched taking lives. No head injuries this time. He has no furniture, with the exception of an air mattress. Pretty hard to hurt oneself on that! I didn't reach my bed until well after 3. This mornings sleepiness is so severe that I feel nauseous. The night manager is cooking bacon or sausage....retch! I feel I could easily stick my head in the toilet and call it a day. I started with a large mug of diet coke...I should have stayed with that. I brewed myself some hot tea in the commercial coffee brewer thing...and burned the hell out of my tongue...wonderful...
Oh... and speaking of tongues...the prior post regarding my C, or average performance, was not an invitation for those males who have approached me to help me work on my skill. It was simply a post for shock value...as I try to keep people coming back to my blog for more. Though I am never happy with a C academically, I can hardly trust an online quiz of such a topic. The questions I had to answer were ridiculous, and the results hardly portray accuracy. I have no intentions of trying to improve my score thru practice...so get your minds out of the gutter!
Posted by Jesse at 09:37 AM | Comments (0)