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March 30, 2004
Catching Up
Where do I start? I have alot of catching up to do! Well as I mentioned before I now have a fish tank in my newly rearranged bedroom. It is five gallons and is quite pretty. I must take pics..but I am not so sure how well they will come out of something in water. After the fish tank assembly...I went to the beach. I drove! 
That didnt last long...it was like getting sandblasted. The waves looked angry...maybe you cant tell in these pics..but they were.
I have been trying to keep myself busy by doing things like this. Trying to keep my mind off of not hearing from schools. I have been looking for a place to live online...its looking bleak. I suppose I dont have to worry about housing until I know that I am accepted. They "dont have to respond until April 15th" if they dont want to. This is stressing me out because Suffolk in Boston is no longer an option, which was my backup if all else failed. Worse comes to worse...I stay on Cape and finish my 4 year degree..it would only take me Spring, Summer, and Fall...but I really want out. My most recent issue is this killer headache I have been fighting. Any headache I used to get I could sleep off no problem. Recently I have been getting these headaches that completely put me out of commission. I dont know what classifies a headache as a migraine...but the one I have had since yesterday has been nasty. It started at 2pm and is still going. I layed in bed last night in the dark with my head between two pillows and a cold water bottle on my head. I would tend to think that these headaches are due to stress..but now I am wondering if it is dehydration. Anyways, I am waiting for alot of answers. Tap Tap Tap. Hopefully I will know soon where I am headed. For those of you I havent been able to communicate with...I miss you..and hope you are well. Rebecca...if you read this...Is everything ok?...havent seen you online in a few days. I will try to update more later.
Posted by Jesse at 08:48 AM | Comments (1)
March 28, 2004
Place To Live
Looking for a place to live makes me want to throw myself off a bridge. If anyone knows of anywhere affordable..off cape but not too close to Boston..please let me know. Ill go ASAP if its open.
Posted by Jesse at 07:20 PM | Comments (0)
Weight Gain
I gained 3 lbs:( I am 119 now. I really wanted to maintain 116...but so be it. I have been trying to improve my eating habits by adding things to my diet such as soy milk....cottage cheez...fresh fruit....fresh juice...and fish. I even ate rice with beans the other night to get more protein. It wasnt bad, but I wouldnt have eaten it before I dont think. I am also guilty of eating 2 reeses pb eggs over the last few days. They are my weakness...with Easter coming....and an impending day of sitting here alone...I figure I should be able to eat whatever I damn well please. On the weightloss note....my new treadmill should arrive on Tuesday. It is a gift from grandma...because the doctor says that if I dont get rigorous exercise, I am not going to get better. It looks really nice...and I know exactly where I am going to put it in my new room set up. I can run and watch sex and the city at the same time! I have been focusing lately on doing things for myself...which is a very foreign concept to me. I have spent more money on myself in the past two weeks than I have in the past two years. I guess it feels good...because I jipped myself out of everything...even fast food...to save money to move...but I am just not used to it. Yesterday I went to PetSmart and got the goldfish for my tank. He was the biggest one they had...I tend to do that...good thing I wasnt shopping diamonds! I named him Good Deed....but I will explain more about that in another entry accompanied by pics. I have another fish that my sister brought me to be a "tester". I named him Dr. Phil. I have no idea why...I dont even watch the man....but it just happened. The tank looks nice...acts as a great nightlite...and both fish appear to be swimming happily. I stayed up until 3 AM last night...so not like me. Watched a few sappy movies....no tears! Finally I had to call it quits. I closed the blinds to see if that would help me sleep in...but nothing can help the fact that I have sky lights in my room:( Well...enough ranting..I will tell you more later. Much love!
Posted by Jesse at 08:51 AM | Comments (0)
March 26, 2004
Dawsons Creek
I have been catching up on my DVD's and I am starting to feel like I have been living out a season of Dawsons Creek. I truely feel like I could fit right into the story line. Am I one of these characters endlessly searching for whats right? Am I destined to be burned and confused until my season finale. I would like to know when that will be? Will I have a happy ending? Its seems like no matter what point in my life...I have been aiming to please someone else. Its been a constant battle to get my parents to notice....perfect grades, extracurricular activities....stellar attitude...but its never mattered. As for pleasing friends...I have learned lately that no matter what you do you never really know a person. Each character on Dawson's Creek was the same in that when it came down to it...they were all they had. In life...we are all we have. Anything..and anyone can come and go...and we have no control over that. What really matters is what is inside each of us. If we know that what we have is because of what we have done for ourselves...we will always be ok. If we count on others for our happiness, self-worth, and accomplishments....we really have gone nowhere. Even though Dawson's Creek was just some sappy teen drama...alot of it is real about growing up around here. Its a battle to find ourselves...what we are supposed to be...but in the end..they all figure it out. I guess I will too.
Posted by Jesse at 04:57 PM | Comments (1)
March 24, 2004
About Me
Name: Jesseca Priscilla(Jesse)
Age: 21
BDAY: September 3, 1982
Sign:Virgo...I have been told I am a classic Virgo.
Favorite Food: Olive Garden Fetteccine Alfredo
Favorite Color: Blue
Height: 5 foot 1
Weight: 116...subject to change at any point
Eyes: Dark Blue
Hair: Strawberry Blond
Siblings: 2, Bethany 19, and Becky 11
Pets: Brady(cat), Rocky(whites tree frog)
Pasttimes: reading trashy books....watching trashy dvds...shopping!
Car: 2002 PT Cruiser...Patriot Blue Pearlcoat
Education: Technical High School Diploma in Early Childhood Education, AS in Business Management...somewhere in between that and a BS
Place of Residence: Currently with grandma with the hopes of independence when I find a school to go to.
Characteristics:
I am silly...love to laugh..and am known to say wacky things at any point.
I love to shop...for anything..and everything!
I am a clean freak...but dont pass judgement on those who aren't.
I want to have a family one day...and it is going to be the most important thing to me.
Education is important to me....I work my butt off...and kill myself for my grades...I will probably be in school my entire life.
I like to have money..but it will never determine where I am in life beyond survival.
I like cars...and would have a new one at every impulse if it were possible.
Animals are my favorite...again..I would have a new one at every impulse if I could....I am on pet restriction.
My parents are divorced...its part of me but not all of me. I never want to go through it. It has made me a stronger person.
I grew up around tools, bait, and hunting. I am not afraid to roll up my sleeves and get my hands dirty. If a job needs to be done...I'll do it.
I have strange possessions...like my ceramic duck Roger, and laptop Dougie.
I am a frequent Amazon shopper...and have been known to listen to their recommendations with no question.
I live in a small town...we have no traffic lights...few restaurants..and no fast food. I am a country girl.
I wouldn't call myself physically fit..but I try...some day I would like to be in shape.
I am a true friend..the type to go out in the middle of the night if needed. I don't have alot of friends..but I have good ones.
I hate liars...betrayal...dishonesty...I wont do it to you...dont do it to me.
I dont like gardening...outdoors work...but I have two plants...they are good enough.
I dont spend alot of time in the bathroom. I am ready faster than most men. In and out in 20 minutes.
I will wear makeup for a special occasion...but not on a regular basis. My hair is simple...and curly...I am happy with that.
Posted by Jesse at 07:27 PM | Comments (1)
Puberty
I think God forgot to turn off my puberty switch. My face is broken out like a 13 year olds. I thought I was through all of this. I dont need anything else right now to make me feel like shit. I have no one to impress..but must I look so disgusting in the mirror? Note to God...Jesse is 21 now...no need for anymore hormonal abuse. Moving on...I caught up on my telecourse tapes today. Strangely enough..the professor is a week behind on the material I am supposed to know for the test next week. You would think that if the material is taped...they could atleast have it on time...but hey..they do go back to 1991. I guess I have done all I can tapewise. Tomorrow I will go through the book and figure out the answers to all of the questions she didnt answer. Here is my current dilemma. I have cable that comes out of the wall...into my vcr..out of my vcr..and into the tv. In a few days...I will be adding a dvd player to the mix. Is there some apparatus I need to buy? Or do I go out from the wall...into the vcr..out of the vcr...into the dvd player..out of the dvd player..and into the tv? Seems like alot of wires for such a simple task. I have no idea what to do...so if anyone can advise me it would be much appreciated:)
Posted by Jesse at 06:46 PM | Comments (1)
March 23, 2004
Hard Day
Today has been a hard day. To say the least I am feeling alone. I cant even really describe what I am feeling. I have been reading song lyrics to see if I could find something that fits..but all the sad love ones do. I guess scared is the best way to describe it. Im not scared to be alone, actually it hurts less at this point. I am scared about what the future will bring. I am scared about how long it will take to feel normal again. I am scared about how well I am handling just cutting off communication. It is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life...but it is the test of my strength to protect myself. I worry that someday we will figure out that this was a huge mistake..and that too much damage will be done to ever make it ok again. I have never had someone hurt me so bad. I am discouraged because my day out today should have been a good one..but everywhere has memories. I cant believe how many places we had been in two years. I guess we did get out a little. I am determined not to let a person ruin my life...but temporarily it has complicated it. I wonder if I shouldnt make an aggressive move very far away. Currently I have all of these things I would say if I could...truths I can never tell...secrets I will probably have to hold forever. Its been months since I have had a good night sleep. Everyone says things will get better...I really hope they will.
Posted by Jesse at 08:00 PM | Comments (0)
March 22, 2004
Good Intentions?
I woke up this morning with good intentions. I was going to get alot of cleaning done. That I did! Vaccumed, cleaned bathroom, washed sheets and shower curtain liner..threw out alot of stuff... and broke my duck! Thats right I broke my duck. The picture below is of Roger prior to the accident.
Roger generally appears wherever he feels most comfortable around the house. Some days he is in my bathroom...some days he is in the livingroom. He has even been known to partake in some illegal activities while we were living in New Bedford. Lately, Roger has been standing guard at the bottom of my stairs to greet anyone who might visit me. His do gooding almost got him killed. This morning...as I threw my beanbag chair down the stairs...Roger was thrown to his doom. Reference the picture below.
I was of course very upset and went running to grandma. Her first words were..."we will get you another one". Of course, being the child that I am...I said..."I dont want another one...I want this one!" Apparently when Roger hit the cement floor of the garage...it fractured his LIJOIUJL bone of his right webbed foot. Grandma and I will venture out tomorrow to find the proper surgical tools to fix his injury. Until then he is resting on the couch. The picture below tells all how Brady felt about this catastrophe.
DSS has not been notified...so I am trusting that if you read this entry...you will keep Roger in your prayers...and not make any phone calls. Its already touch and go for the arrival of my goldfish this weekend.
Posted by Jesse at 01:21 PM | Comments (1)
Questions
Questions For Rebecca!
1) Do you think a printer/scanner/copier is a good investment?
2) We have the same internet. What do I have to get to go wireless?
3) How does one repair a broken ceramic duck correctly?
Posted by Jesse at 11:16 AM | Comments (1)
March 21, 2004
:)
LOOK WHAT I DID! I put pics in without any help! I even took them too. And got them on the computer. I have a whole stack of pics I would like to scan..but my scanner is missing a wire. I also dont have a printer...so I am investigating a printer/scanner/copier combo. These investments are very hard for me to make..mostly because I have no idea what I am doing. I also have been investigating mice...or a mouse..whichever..because I am sick of this touch pad thing. I am waiting for Rebecca to advise me on such investments. Looks like I am spending the tax return before I get it:)
Posted by Jesse at 05:27 PM | Comments (0)
March 20, 2004
Makes Me Think
Christina Aguilera
A voice within
Young girl, don't cry
I'll be right here when your world starts to fall
Young girl, it's all right
Your tears will dry, you'll soon be free to fly
When you're safe inside your room you tend to dream
Of a place where nothing's harder than it seems
No one ever wants or bothers to explain
Of the heartache life can bring and what it means
When there's no one else
Look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend
Just trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength
That will guide your way
If you will learn to begin
To trust the voice within
Young girl, don't hide
You'll never change if you just run away
Young girl, just hold tight
And soon you're gonna see your brighter day
Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed
It's so hard to stand your ground when you're so afraid
No one reaches out a hand for you to hold
When you're lost outside look inside to your soul
When there's no one else
Look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend
Just trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength
That will guide your way
If you will learn to begin
To trust the voice within
Yeah...
Life is a journey
It can take you anywhere you choose to go
As long as you're learning
You'll find all you'll ever need to know
You'll make it
You'll make it
Just don't go forsaking yourself
No one can stop you
You know that I'm talking to you
When there's no one else
Look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend
Just trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength
That will guide your way
If you will learn to begin
To trust the voice within
Young girl don't cry
I'll be right here when your world starts to fall
Posted by Jesse at 07:25 PM | Comments (0)
An Inspiration
FIRSTS.
First best friend: Anna...kindergarten....I miss you!
First car: 1998 Ford Contour..Baby Blue...4 Cyl. Automatic..
First date: Chris Russell...movies..Home Alone II?
First real kiss: See above:)
First break-up: Eddie....seems so long ago now.
First screen name: pazolt9382
First self purchased album: TLC...sounds
First funeral: Wawa....love you!
First pets: Shadow...grey kittie...RIP
First piercing/tattoo: Ears...then ears..then ears..then one ear..then tattoo!
First credit card: Capital One:)
First true love: Brian...will always love him
First enemy: I would never dislike someone like that
First musician you remember hearing in your house: Amy Grant?
.LASTS.
Last car ride:To the beach..for my fishy day!
Last kiss: Ben's kiss goodbye...anybody wanna kiss me so I can change this one.
Last good cry:Yesterday..its pretty much my pasttime.
Last library book checked out: Um...yeah..right.
Last movie seen: Cat in the Hat...quite good actually.
Last beverage drank: Milk, with dinner.
Last food consumed: Baked stuffed sole, baked potato, salad, bread, cookies.
Last crush: Tom Brady...forever
Last phone call: Bethany from walmart..thats my girl!
Last time showered: This morning, and yes i used soap.
Last cd played: A mix..that i downloaded all by myself!
Last item bought: Gas at the pump.
Last annoyance: My telecourse...but isnt that a given?
Last disappointment: Same as above.
Last time wanting to die:This isnt a very nice one..but I guess its realistic. However I do not want to be locked in a padded room..so I will remain silent.
Last time scolded: Grandma scolds me daily.
Last shirt worn: Grey turtleneck..just a little too short to cover the belly.
Last website visited: livejournal.com
Last word you said: bye
Last song you sang: Probably something jessica simpson..hehe
What is in your cd player?: I dont have one:(
What color socks are you wearing?: Grey with flowers to match my shirt.
What color of underwear are you wearing?: Blue and pink stripes with eeyore on them!
What's under your bed?: cat hair
What time did you wake up today?: 6:30...insomnia is a bitch.
Where do you want to go?: Bridgewater State College is my current goal.
What is your career going to be?: I will get my BS in Management...then hopefully an MA in Psychology..but lets pace ourselves here.
Where are you going to live?: Studio apt..if Im lucky.
How many kids do you want?: As many as I can pop out and love equally.
What kind of car(s): BMW 3 Series
CURRENT
Current mood: Bloated
Current music: None.
Current taste: Fish?
Current hair: Dead...layered..growing out..turning red.
Current clothes: Blue jeans...grey turtleneck...grey socks..bra and undies!
Current annoyance(s): cell phone keeps ringing..scares me
Current longing: Well you all know what I long for on a daily basis...and its only been 3 weeks;)
Current desktop picture: Tropical Island
Current favorite artist: Like...a painter?
Current book(s): My psychology of women book..dont know what its called.
Current color of toenails: Like..toenail skin color.
Current time-wasting wish: To feel normal.
Current hate: people that cant understand
Posted by Jesse at 06:39 PM | Comments (0)
Tranquility
The beach is the most beautiful place i think. I went this morning. Part of this whole...set a goal every day and do it thing. There was no one out there. So peaceful. The ocean sounded angry..but if you were the ocean after this winter woundnt you be? I walked in both directions...and found lots of pretty shells from the recent storms. I had lots of time to think....and let lots of stuff go. Not bf stuff...just stuff in general I have been struggling with. I am at peace with alot right now...I have just been looking for things I cant have. So I choose the beach for my thoughtful spot..because it is like free shopping. I found a highflyer. For those of you not lucky enough to be raised with rotting bait in your backyard...a highflyer is a large bouy at each end of a trall of lobster pots so that the lobsterman knows where they start and finish. Anywho...i know that they are worth something...so I dragged it..and dragged it..and dragged it...if anybody knows the fishing vessel ashley..and somethin or other..let me know..its in my front yard. That was my good deed of the day...even if it doesnt bring any good. I then watched my school on tv...ugh. 3 hours of a class...that covered not one objective I am supposed to learn. So now I actually have to read the book. For dinner I had baked stuffed sole. Something tells me this weightloss will not last long. Ugh...packin on the pounds.
Posted by Jesse at 06:12 PM | Comments (2)
March 17, 2004
So Confused
I thought I was doing better with this whole break up thing. Im not crying all the time...and I was almost sleeping at night. It seems to have all come back now. It never occured to me that people would pursue me. Especially the people that have. It has made me sick inside. I dont like it. I have only been single for two weeks. I dont even see myself as that. For these people to have said these things makes me feel like they have completely minimalized the feelings I am having..and what I felt for Ben. I am so hurt right now. I was completely devoted to him for over 2 years. Never even thought of being with another person. He told me he was going to marry me...so I thought I would never be with another person again...and I was happy with that. I dont want someone else. I wish I knew how long that is going to last. It isnt fun to be alone..but the last thing I want is someone else...especially to hurt me. The fact that people think I could have rebound sex makes me feel completely disrespected. I am a good person with morals. I am not just a piece of fresh meat new to the market. The last thing I needed for my self esteem was to hear what I heard in the past few days. I hope it is out of this persons system....because it makes me sick. It makes me question this persons motives...feelings.... and capabilities. I never ever saw it coming...and I dont know if I can let it go. It is just to much for me to deal with.
Posted by Jesse at 10:54 AM | Comments (0)
March 16, 2004
Tryin
I tried very hard yesterday. I really thought I was headin back where I came from when I went to see Doreen yesterday. I was ready to cave to meds...I can write this with no shame..because you all know anyways. I want to get back to school..back out with friends. She said she wasnt ready for me to try again. I had made so much progress prior to the breakup that she thinks I may be able to do this on my own. We will give it 10 more days for improvement. I went to two different beaches walking yesterday. We collected shells and even tried to get a lobster pot out of the water...no luck. Then I drove around...I never go anywhere around here...I forget how beautiful it is. I drove through the dunes...down commercial st...out onto the new pier. It sort of felt good. Earlier in the day we got Wendy's and went and ate it at Fort Hill. It was such a pretty day...I almost felt normal for 5 minutes...it felt so good. To be honest..I am pretty scared at this point. So much is uncertain...but I guess everything in life is uncertain. If that is all I can learn from this horrible experience...atleast I got something out of it. I know I have learned alot more than that tho. I have learned how much I deserve. I know how I will never let myself be treated again. The sad thing for those that have chosen to no longer be a part of my life is...I am going to be an even better person when I get through all of this. I miss the person I was two years ago...but when she comes back she will be even better for having gone through all of this. I will be stronger and more determined than ever! I have learned who my true friends are. They have been amazing. I will never forget the support they have given me. And I hope that I can give them the same support when they need it. Its funny how weird things happen. My X...who I only hear from when he is back on Cape visiting from Maine...has called me twice since all of this has happened. He has always expressed concern for me...over Christmas he said I just wasnt looking right. He has no idea what had happened and just called to say that he had bumped into my mom in Maine...so random. Anyways...he has a girlfriend..who he is very committed too...so I know he is calling for legitimate reasons. He honestly cares how I am doing. I have never been so floored in my life. For a person...who I broke up with...to call me years later because he is worried about me makes me feel good. I cant be all that bad if people like that still care. I appreciate the people that have reached out to me. Believe me it makes a difference.
Posted by Jesse at 09:44 AM | Comments (1)
March 14, 2004
Getting Better
I am waiting to start feeling alot better. I am eating...and sleeping more. But I just wish I could feel like me again. I would give anything to be able to do things like a normal kid. I miss my friend. I will never have him back. I know that. It is just facing this that is the problem. It hurts to see him online. I am being strong...not talking..not trying to communicate. I dont even call Jay...because I know he is there. The other day when I ate in NB..i wondered if Ben had eaten there with his old boss. My first instinct was to call and ask..but I cant do that anymore. It feels weird. The person that you think is your soulmate....is gone. Sigh...someone please bring me some more strength to fight...I am tired. I miss you.
Posted by Jesse at 12:58 PM | Comments (1)
March 12, 2004
Beauty or Brains?
My trip to the common state college campus yesterday prompted me to start a study! As I sat in the truck waiting for my sis to appear from the depths of the dirty dorms, I had the privilage of a perfect view of the most travelled sidewalk between undergrad housing and the classrooms. At first I wasnt too focused on the people...I was just sorta taking things in. I started to think how much it must suck to have to walk that distance in the rain..or snow...or cold. It was pretty cold yesterday and most seemed to be bundled up well...and hoofin it at a good speed. Then my dad made a comment....most of the college population appeared to be overweight. I hadnt noticed...because I am not a person that even considers peoples sizes when I look at them. But it was true! Granted these were all freshman...and I was guilty of packin on the freshman '20' myself. As I watched I realized that most of these students appeared to be lugging big bags...and learning materials. Good for them! But then appeared a girl...couldnt have weighed 90lbs soakin wet... and what was she carrying? Nothing. Well not nothing...the necessities...handbag about the size of her ass, lit cigarette, and a cell phone. As I pointed this out to my father he almost peed himself. This prompted me to observe...in all of my spare time...the correlation between learning materials and body size. Sure enough those that were larger than the average weight...appeared to be much more interested in their education(ie:laptops, textbooks, pens and pencils) than those that were interested in whether their lips were properly glossed. Even more importantly...it was cold yesterday...and those that had the body fat to bare the cold...wore more clothing..than those that felt the need to show themselves. In conclusion: 1.)I am glad I dont need to feel the need to exhibit my body this time of the year...pneumonia is a bitch. 2.) I would rather have some fat on my bones...and a brain in my head. 3.) If my entire world can ever fit in a cell phone, 3 inch handbag, and a cancer stick...shoot me. My question for the rest of you? Is there anyone out there that can do this study at another school? You will find it amusing I promise. You will be amazed what is out there! Proper studies have to be done over and over again to prove accuracy. Please let me know. I will add your findings to my blog.
Posted by Jesse at 09:25 AM | Comments (2)
New Beige
Yesterday was hard...but I am glad I got through it. My dad swears I have shown major signs of improvement...but I am still very frustrated. We started off before ten headed west. First stop...The Goose...as all the hunter types call it...for some guy talk...i hate going in there...because it isnt often that they get a young blond stopping in....Nuf said. After that we headed to NB. First we stopped to see this guy Yohan...for something boatish. Then we stopped at this gigantic old hardware store place that is like Toysrus to my dad. I stood there...looking at all the guys because I can now(honestly I just cant care yet) and wondering how they can stand to make a living picking through a warehouse of all little nuts and parts. Then we went to Home Depot...via my old apartment. That was when things started to set in. It still feels like its ours..even though we havent been there for a year. I took a deep breathe and kept going. Home Depot could be fun...if I had a Home to Depot...but I dont...so I stood and watched. Then we went to Walmart...I just didnt have the strength. At that point it was time to go get sis at UMASS. It amazes me how that place is crawling with kids. And I mean crawling! We went to Antonio's in New Beige...which I am sure would have been good..but at that point I was just too shaken. We packed mine to go...and went back to UMASS. My sisters dorm room is quite cute. I have no idea how those kids live the way they do...but it suits her. I think I would last tops a week...but thats me. Saw the glass booth she works in...the graveyard shift in her dorm. I give the girl alot of credit..she makes things happen. Seeing all of those kids yesterday makes me want to be better so badly. They all had not a care in the world...and were out having fun. I would give anything to have the mind of a college student...clothes...shoes...beer...even though I dont like beer. Its my goal.
Posted by Jesse at 09:00 AM | Comments (1)
March 10, 2004
Foodage
Grandma's desperate attempt to get me out of the house took me to Hearth and Kettle. Not my favorite restaurant but we are limited around here. On the way we saw the house that burned down in Eastham. So sad...looks like everything was lost. Makes me feel very fortunate. I choked down my fish..left the chips...and skipped dessert. I am eating now...but dont seem to feel any passion for my food. When I finally feel better...I plan on heading to the Olive Garden for a bowl of alfredo sauce. Just sauce. That should fatten me up. I have been researching bikinis. This will be my first bikini summer ever...unless I eat myself otherwise before then. Tomorrow is my big outing. Daddy is taking me to the docks of New Beige for a little culture. Wish me life. Then we pick up Cubbie(sis) for some more foodage at what my father calls a classy italian restaurant in New Bedford. Does the place have a roof or board of health certification? Debatable...but I take what I can get when it comes to time with my family. Three Pazolts under one roof....hmmm...take cover Portagees!
Posted by Jesse at 05:28 PM | Comments (2)
Starting New
My room never looked very exciting to begin with. When Ben and I moved back here...we only put the bare necessities up there...and packed the rest in the basement. The horrible blue color that I chose for the walls has actually grown on me, but isnt helping my insomnia at night. In a mad dash to start a new life...I am taking everything out of my room possible that could upset me. The bed would be gone if I didnt ever have to sleep again. All of the furniture is rearranged...pictures packed away...along with 200 beanie babies. I dont know how I will lift those. Destination...basement. This seems to be where all of my hurtful memories are. Dont know what I will ever do with Bens things...guess they will stay there until he wants them I am not the type to burn or destroy things. Especially sentimental things like his stuffed whale or fraternity pin. I just wish they meant enough to him to take them back. On the upside I feel decent today. I slept almost a full night last night...first time in 10 days. I have yelled at CCCC about my transcript...which they sent out AGAIN yesterday. Not that I know what I will do when I get accepted to Bridgewater...but that is another story. If anyone knows someone that wants a roommate with an incredibly beautiful baby(of the cat type)please let me know. Housing seems to be my biggest worry at this point. I am still awaiting shipping confirmation of my DVD's. Yes...thats right...I ordered myself something. It felt good...now I can wait tapping my foot until it comes. Brady is napping in the loft...I wanna do that too..but I guess in the people world...something has to get done.
Posted by Jesse at 01:32 PM | Comments (1)
March 09, 2004
Juicer
Well I became a wrinkled old man today...not literally..but anyways. My juicer has been sitting in the garage in its box for about a week. I was so excited when I ordered it..but by the time it arrived it had become apparent that I would no longer be having a kitchen of my own for such an appliance. Regardless, I need to take steps to better my health...so today I took a deep breath and opened the box. I read the instructions and made some apple juice. Bitter but good. I will try to do something different with this machine every morning. I am going to have to drink alot of juice to get my moneys worth. I hope my digestive system can handle it all.
Posted by Jesse at 12:38 PM | Comments (1)
Sock Trauma
For those of you that know my dressing habits....my socks match my bra, underwear, and shirt at any given time. Its not like I have alot of clothes...or even nice ones...i just have alot of socks. Moving on....yesterday I wore my lei pink socks with white hearts with my pink eeyore and hearts shirt. Fine ensemble. Last night in my restless sleep I either kicked off or took of my pink socks. This morning...I can only find one. I never lose socks! This could put me right over the edge. I have searched the sheets and both down comforters that I sleep with. If anyone can tell me the location of my second pink lei sock with white hearts please let me know.
Posted by Jesse at 08:48 AM | Comments (0)
To Shop...Or Not To Shop
I just dont understand....could I have gotten this bad? Even shopping cannot tame my woes. I have been to two retail outlets in the past week and could not even bring myself to touch anything. I have had my amazon shopping cart up to $400 and have not been able to click "place order". I just cant do it. I know I deserve nice new things...and havent done anything nice for myself in a while...so what is the problem. I am a new woman....one that will not want to be remotely close to the opposite sex for a LONG time...so why dont I want DVD's? I think I have finally gotten to the age when I am realizing true heartache can only heal with time..not money. But I really wish I could still enjoy new things while I am heartaching!
Posted by Jesse at 07:53 AM | Comments (0)
March 02, 2004
UGH
There are times
I swear I know you're here
I forget about my fears
Feelin you my dear
Watchin over me
My hope sees
What the future will bring
When you wrap your wings
And take me where you are
Where you and I will be together
Once again, we'll be dancin in the moonlight
Just like we used to do
And you'll be smilin back at me
Only then will I be free
When I can be, where you are
And I can see your face
Your kiss I still can taste
Not a memory erased
Oh, how I see your star
Shinin down on me
And I'd do anything
If I could just, be right there where you are
Where you and I will breathe together
Once again we'll be dancin in the moonlight
Just like we used to do
And you'll be smilin back at me (you'll be smilin back at me)
Only then will I be free
Then I will be free, so take me where you are
Now baby there are times when selfishly
I wishin that you were here with me
So I can wipe the tears from your eyes and make you see
That every night when you are dreamin
I'm here to guard you from afar
And anytime I feel in love
I'll close my eyes and dream of where you are
where you are
Where you and I will breathe together
Once again we'll be dancin in the moonlight
Just like we used to do
And you'll be smilin back at me (you'll be smilin back at me)
Only then will I be free
Then I will be free,
Baby I still believe
Oh I gotta believe
I still believe
I will touch you that sweet day
That you take me there
Where you are (where you are)
I still believe
Whoooooa, I gotta believe
I still believe
I will touch you that sweet day
That you take me there
Where you are, oh where you are!
I still believe
I gotta believe
I still believe
I'll always be waiting here
That sweet day (that sweet day, yeah!)
I still believe......I still believe
They say music is therapeutic...I just dont know anymore
Posted by Jesse at 07:51 PM | Comments (1)
Personality Test?
Like just 11% of the population you are a DREAMER (SIAF)--reserved and imaginative. You are basically the shy, silent type. You don't have much interest in facts and figures or most of what's going on around you, but the internal worlds you build for yourself are rich and complex.
Luckily, your creativity and strong heart mean you have a deep personality evident to anyone who gets to know you. It's just that not many people do, because most everyone thinks you're a loser. Talk to yourself less, other people more, little shaver.
Now can anyone tell me what this means?
Posted by Jesse at 07:23 PM | Comments (1)
Instincts
I know this is going to sound weird...but I feel like I am getting a message from somewhere. Being someone that has a hard time with religious faith..this is freaking me out. It is telling me that everything is going to work out. Maybe not any time soon...but that things will be ok. That time is what is needed to heal...and that if I let things be...they will be. I dont want to set myself up to be crushed either. That is what sucks...my instincts scare me. I have this strange ability...which there are too many examples for me to explain here..but if anyone wants to talk to me about it, I could tell you. I know things are going to happen before they do. It is very scary. Everytime these things happen I try to tell myself its nothing. But the more and more it does...I wonder. If there is a God, he has dealt me one hell of a hand in the past few months. It has to be for a reason...I am learning some lesson or something. Right now I am basing my actions on that stupid poem....If you love something...you'll let it go...and if it comes back it was meant to be...and if it doesnt it never was.
Posted by Jesse at 06:55 PM | Comments (0)
Sad Reminders
Ugh...this was one of my favorite songs...but i never really listened to the words. Now I know...my favorite song haunts me. When will the pain go away?
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
And though your still with me
I've been alone all along
Posted by Jesse at 01:58 PM | Comments (0)
March 01, 2004
Kind Words
I think this is the nicest thing I have heard yet!
And a special note for Jesse: I know that today you feel like shit. Crying, depressed, and can't think of anything nice to say. I just want you to know we've all been there, you're not alone. He didn't do this to you, he did it to himself. After the numbness wears off and you can get through the day without falling to pieces, then and only then, can you realize what a great person you are. Jesse, if you need anything, like a shoulder to cry on, just ask.
Rebecca....you are such a good friend...this is the first time I have felt like I dont deserve to go through this. Thank you.
Posted by Jesse at 08:23 AM | Comments (1)
Changes
All I can say as that my blogs are going to change. Just like my life. I have never had my world turned so upside down in my life, and I have been through hell quite a few times. Its over between Ben and I. I cant tell you why, all I know is that he doesnt love me anymore and hasnt in sometime. The person that I have loved every day for two and a half years has left my life forever. I have given my everything to try to help him get on his feet, I cant even begin to explain. I guess there is nothing more that I can do. As I walked down the stairs this morning with our new sink dish drying rack, my grandmother held me as I cried. She will take everything back for me. I will keep the crock pot, that I tried so hard to learn to cook in all last week for him. The counter is full of dishes I lugged up the other day and washed in preparation for moving. The rubbermaid container in the garage is full of all the kitchen stuff I prepared for the move too. I have done nothing but work and strive for this relationship, and I guess none of it helped. Every inch of Cape Cod has memories. I havent slept in my room in two days, but then again I havent slept. I have no idea how I will rebuild my life. No idea how to get the things he said out of my head. No idea how to stop dreaming about it. This is a nightmare. Every bit of my heart, soul, and last lingering twinkle of spirit has been crushed for the last time. I will never let somebody hurt me like this again. Then again I dont know how I will ever trust the word love again. How can I ever forgive?
Posted by Jesse at 07:46 AM | Comments (1)