Jesse Loves Brady

July 11, 2005

Breaking the Cycle

I have been quiet lately. I have been hurting too. I haven't used my blog as an outlet because I have wanted my privacy. It appears that communication with my family has taken a turn for the worse, and I have decided that I am done trying to make ammends. I have spent many hours crying and making myself sick about this. This huge transition in my life has been wonderful, but also a source of much pain when it comes to breaking away from my family. We haven't had a loving relationship. We don't get together. We don't talk on the phone. If I don't initiate, nothing happens. I have been fighting for years to get people to do things they have no desire to do. Now, I have this great new family that treats me like I have never been treated before. They want me around, and have made me feel at home from day one. We are constantly doing family things, and that feels so good to me. On the flipside, I have wondered why my own family doesn't want this. Even worse, I know my sisters struggle with this every day, and that my 12 yr old sister is left wondering why. After all of these years I have let go. It all comes down to the fact that my life isn't about me anymore. I am not the only one effected by my decisions. I hope that relatively soon, I will have a husband and children in my life. I want better for us than the constant hurt and drama. I want my children to be raised in a home where they feel safe and loved on a daily basis. I want a stable life for my husband and I, one I know we will have as part of his family. Rebecca has come by my house on a few occasions, and her actions made me feel so good. Someone expressed an interest in my life. So, why should I hang around for people who have openly told me that things are not going to change and to move on. I have the opportunity for a great life, being part of a family and being close to true friends. Its time to focus on these people, and put the past behind me.

Posted by Jesse at July 11, 2005 03:32 PM