Jesse Loves Brady

October 01, 2004

Emotional Rant #429

Alright people...buckle your seat belts, pull that steel bar over your head, and secure your sunglasses and wallets. This is going to be a bumpy one.

I do my banking and post office business in East Harwich because it is right off of the highway and on the way to school. Though my mother lives in East Harwich, it has never occured to me that I might bump into her when I am out an about. I went to the post office today to mail my paperwork to health services at UMASS (proof that I have been spayed and received the rabies vaccine). I parked in front of the building and went inside to stand in line for what ended up being a ridiculous amount of time. When I finished doing my thing, I walked out to my car and my mothers' van was parked right next to mine. My heart lept into my throat, and my body immediately went through that fight or flight response. My own mother had parked next to me in the parking lot, walked past me standing in line, and never even noticed I was there. I did what my first instinct told me to do, and got in my car and left as quickly as possible. I probably sound like an evil bitch, but I am being extremely protective of myself right now for many reasons!

When my mother moved to Harwich, she told everyone that she had two daughters. Apparently, she forgot the 24 hours of labor she had to go thru to spawn me. Last winter, when I was sick, it took her 4 months to pick up the phone to see how I was. I am still waiting to hear from her regarding my 22nd bday that passed almost a month ago. I have been suppressing my emotions regarding my mother, because I just dont want to think about it right now. I have too many important things going on in my life to be distracted by trying to fix a mother/daughter bond that will never exist. So, everything that I have been suppressing came out when I knew she was in the same building as me. Seeing my mother is something that I prepare for many days in advance, and don't usually do unattended because she freightens me so. What a wonderful experience to have on my ride to school. I was sitting at a traffic light thinking, "I am so fucked up to be running from my own mother", but I am not the only one in the family that does it. My sister has announced that she will not be returning home for any school breaks from now on. Things must be pretty bad if the kid wants to stay in a cold cement dorm for Christmas break. So anyways, I drove to school an emotional mess. Luckily, I had a few things to distract me.

Geo Metro with Massachusetts registration 33R D28, kindly exit the left(passing) lane and pull into the breakdown lane where you belong, unless you prefer to be eatin by a Blue PT Cruiser on a mission. I say pull into the breakdown lane, because you were driving so slowly that those in the right lane were passing you at ease.

So when I arrived at school, I was not my normal chipper self. I knew I could count on Dan to lighten my mood. As he came bounding up the stairs, I knew he could help. The professor passed the sign in sheet around, and when it landed on Dans' desk, he sat staring at it for a few minutes. I sat and watched in a amusement as I usually do of Dans' behavior, because he partakes in morning activities that not all of us could handle prior to attending class (if you know what I mean). After letting him suffer for a few minutes I said, "Dan that is a sign in sheet, it doesn't require thought, just that you know your name." A few minutes into class I looked over again and he was sitting with an empty desk in front of him. I then asked, "no notebook today Dan?" He is so funny sometimes. Normally I would have no tolerance for this kind of behavior, but it has no effect on me, and lightens my mood on most days.

Another boost to my mood was the 85 I earned on the last quiz. That probably brings my current total grade to a C in the class. Better than the high D I had last week. I am so happy that Rebecca has given me the all clear to inhabit the room next to her. Once I work out the credit drama with UMASS, all systems will be go. I don't even get to register until Jan 20, so Christmas break will be all about relaxation, and maybe a trip somewhere nice. We shall see....

Posted by Jesse at October 1, 2004 01:27 PM