Jesse Loves Brady

September 24, 2004

Tribute to Rebecca

Rebecca's blog entry from yesterday was perfect. I am being pulled in so many directions...including towards the toilet...I don't know what to do with myself. Though I think the "safe" comment was ahead of my game, I guess she is realistic. I am a relatively rational person, I don't make rash decisions when it comes to sex. And this really isn't about sex at all, it is about matters of the heart. Its also about fear. That is what frustrates me. I cannot go through life avoiding things because I fear them. I wouldn't go to school, talk to people, or go to work on a daily basis if this were so. Also, if I never pursue my feelings, I may miss out on some amazing things. I don't ever want to be at the point in my life where I say "What if?". I have missed out on so much having been through pretty much 7 years of crisis. I am starting to feel like certain people are brought into my life because they bring me lessons, or compliment my life in a way that makes me a better person. Rebecca has taught me so much, I can't even explain. Though Ben was a walking disaster, I am who I am today because of the hell I went through and the learning experiences he subjected me to. So, if I resist someone, that is supposed to be something important in my life, am I resisting my own growth? People say what is meant to be will be, and I find myself using all of my energy to resist what is meant to be. Rebecca made a great point about how this is the time in my life when socialization will be the easiest. Funny too, because socialization is the hardest thing in the world for me right now. I find myself trying to play catch up for so many years, and for getting so sick. I feel like, if I don't take advantage of my opportunities now, I wont mature~ Rebecca's full personality theory. I agree with the growing apart scenerio if I were to get hitched now...I am sure that another few years of school, if simply the education aspect were considered, are going to expand me in ways I cannot foresee. I am a completely different person than I was when I entered college, or I should hope so. Marriage is what I want in life, but it isn't part of my reality right now. Things are so fragile, I am afraid everything will crumble around me if I even let a man in emotionally. So....get my drift? I am completely conflicted. I don't want to be in a relationship simply based on physical attraction, because I am an emotional person that needs to feel cared about. I can't get into a heavy emotional committment, because I simply don't have the strength right now. I want to be married down the road, but how am I going to get there with this battle going on in my head?

On the school update, I made it, and there was no quiz. That right there, explains my devotion to school. I hate even stepping foot in school bathrooms, and I avoid it at all costs, but when a person is sick they have no choice. I guess it has been a down day for me. I need to shake it off. My mind says I should go for a run, but I know I would just collapse from utter exhaustion. I have a feeling when I fall asleep tonight...it will be for many hours. If anyone has advice for what I am experiencing, please forward it along. I have received so much good advice lately. My sister called earlier, and was so understanding. Though we are polar opposites, and butt heads on everything, we are both products of our childhood. She understands when I am hurting, because she struggles with the same stuff. Our conversation today was simply amazing, it finally felt like we connected on some level. She made me feel good about what I am feeling, because when it comes down to it, it is a gift to get to feel these kind of emotions. Good dammit...why cant I be normal and act on them?

Posted by Jesse at September 24, 2004 06:44 PM