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June 09, 2004
Tough Times
I have been having a tough time for probably the last week or so. This weekend I found myself terribly depressed. I tried to shrug it off by keeping my mind busy, but it didnt seem to work. Yesterday I saw Harry Potter, it was good, but when I got home I had some bad news. Ben sent me an email to tell me that his grandma(Grammie) had passed away on Monday. I was absolutely shocked. I guess she had a stroke so it was a shock to everyone. This was the person I think I was closest to in his family. She was the sweetest lady I have ever met. I kept telling myself that one day Ben and I would be okay enough that I would visit her and say goodbye. Now I never can. I think that my instincts were trying to tell me that something was wrong all weekend. I left a message for Ben and he called me back at 2 AM. We talked until 4:30. I never went to sleep after that. I cant wait for the day that he says is coming in the future, when I agree that what he did was the right thing. For right now, it still feels all wrong to me. We still talk like we have never been apart, still laugh, we still feel like family. I know when something isnt right with him, even if he doesnt know it. I cant stand having this connection to someone that I cant be with. He is handling this thing with Grammie as well as he can. I am amazed how strong he is being, but something tells me if he had someone to hold him he wouldnt be so strong. I need this constant pain to be lifted from my chest. It has been four months. I have gotten used to it, and learned how to deal with it, but I dont think the pain has gotten better. The love hasnt faded, for him or his family. I feel like I lost a member of my own family on Monday, but I didnt, and I have to face that. What can I do to let this all go? People keep saying time will heal it. How will I ever start a new relationship with my emotions being so raw? I would never want to drag some unsuspecting guy into that position. I just dont know anymore. He says he is happier now than he was then, but emotions are temporary. I am happier now than I was then too, it was a horrible experience. Someone tell me what the right thing to do is. Help me to understand how this is the right thing for me.
RIP Grammie~I LOVE YOU!
Posted by Jesse at June 9, 2004 10:08 AM
Comments
You're right, don't drag another guy into your life right now. You just need time to learn to be alone, learn about yourself. There is no rush, no time limit, on finding a new man in your life. When you're ready, you go look. In the mean time, look inside yourself.
Posted by: Rebe at June 10, 2004 01:47 PM